Humorous

Headlines from 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped!
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will be at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces weekly mail delivery to Wednesday only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of previously illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines!
Headlines from 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped!

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will be at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces weekly mail delivery to Wednesday only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of previously illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines!
How to translate Taekwondo speech

How to translate Taekwondo speech

When Taekwondoists say ...	They really mean ...
Taekwondo is the best martial art style.	I have only studied Taekwondo.
Taekwondo prepares you for the street.	I've never used Taekwondo on the street.
High kicks are stupid.	I can't do high kicks.
Tournaments are extremely important.	I'm good at sparring and I win trophies.
Don't worry, Taekwondo is about building character.	You'll never be any good, but keep trying.
Board breaking is not important.	I can't break boards.
Promotions are not important.	I haven't been promoted in years.
Taekwondo builds character.	Except for me.
He's a good Taekwondo instructor.	He's my instructor.
She's a lousy martial arts teacher.	I don't know anything about her.
Kicks are more dangerous than hand strikes.	I've never watched full-contact tournaments.
Organization politics are necessary to promote Taekwondo.	I'm an officer in a large organization.
I hate Taekwondo politics.	None of the large organizations have the slightest interest in my existence.
Competitions are a waste of time.	I've never won any competitions.
Forms are the highest expression of the inner essence of Taekwondo.	I can't spar.
Forms are useless.	Bruce Lee said forms are useless.
She doesn't deserve her rank.	I didn't get promoted as fast as she did.
Size and strength are not important.	I'm bigger and stronger than average.

You May Be Getting Too Old For Taekwondo If...

The first and last words that you say every day is "Ouch!"
The last time you yelled "Kiai!" your dentures flew out.
Your training partner always begins each move with "Don't worry, I won't hurt you."
You are two times older than your instructor.
You think TKD is a stock market symbol.
When you try the same movement twice in a row, you consider it a workout.
Your belt and your hair have both turned white with age.
You remember when dojang mats were stuffed with horse hair.
Each time your training partner blocks your kick, she says "Did I hurt you?"
"Do you want a little action?" means "Do you want some prune juice?"
You are wondering if a walker is allowed during forms practice.
When you bow, you are afraid of not getting back up.
Your favorite competition technique is from the form you are presently learning.
You hate meditation because you keep falling asleep.
Your favorite combination for sparring is Ibuprofen and Geritol.
You have a favorite sparring technique but you just can't remember it.
You ask the cute new student "Where have you been all my life?" and he or she replies "Well, for most of it I wasn't born yet!"
The cute new student asks you if its really true that you met Confucius.
You are positive that the dojang mats have become petrified with age.
Your Taekwondo membership number is the Roman Numeral I.
Your Life Membership certificate has "EXPIRED" stamped across it.
You remember when uniform pants were worn with thigh length hems.
Your uniform is older than most of the students in your class.
You knew General Choi Hong Hi when he was a private.

How to simulate living aboard a Navy ship

While trying to sleep, have some wake you every few minutes mumbling "Sorry, wrong rack."
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Set hot water heater thermostat to ice cold. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
Every time there's a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High.”
Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Have someone ask you to explain what the show is about and then leave before it ends.Have some one walk in in the the middle of a a show and change the channel to check the scores.
For engineering ratings, leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house.
Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week.
Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Serve vegetables with bits of ice in them. Fry bacon until it crumbles to dust when you try to eat it.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can, run out into your yard, break out the garden hose, and pretend you are fighting a fire.
Once a month take every major appliance completely apart, clean the parts, and then put them back together.
Use 18 scoops of budget coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash your coffee cup.
Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to visit for a couple of months and sleep in the same room with you.
Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking and then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man overboard, ship recovery!"
Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your family for not having the place "stowed for sea".
Put on some headphones. Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured." Roll up the headphone cord and put it away.

If Taekwondo students ruled the world

After every tournament, the competitors would get a chance to spar with the referees.
There would be 365 different belt colors, so you could get promoted just for coming to a class.
Only sports that can be done barefoot would be allowed on TV.
Brazilian Jiu-jitsu students would all develop a painful rash on their backs so they would have to fight standing up.
The victors in a sparring competition would get to body slam the losers.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
A referee's vocabulary would be limited to "Sejak!" and "Winner!"
Doboks would be acceptable business attire and everyone would have to wear them.
The old instructors would become 40 years younger so you could really see how good they really were.
Your opponents would always weigh less than your little sister.

Murphy's Laws of Taekwondo

The wimp who made it through the elimination bouts on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.
The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt testing.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your division is called at a tournament, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when your name is called.

Ways to bluff a mugger

Gee, you're the first person that's spoken to me since I escaped!
Help yourself! I just want to warn you! Since I saw "Papillon," I keep my money in a strange place!
Beat it! There's a contract out on me, and anybody that's seen with me is as good as dead!
You're welcome to it! I'm sick and tired of trying to pass these marked bills from the ransom!
Congratulations! You're gonna be the tenth mugger today!
Sure, I've got something for you! Where do you want it... in the belly of the head?
Great! This'll give me a good workout for my upcoming title fight with Tyson!
No, No! You're doing it all wrong! Let an EXPERIENCED mugger show you how!
That's it! Fantastic! You're exactly the actor I need for my next picture!
Take it all! I'm dying from a highly-contagious disease anyway!
Okay, boys! Our stakeout worked! Come and get'um!
Oh, God! Please don't let me kill AGAIN!!!

Three biggest lies told in Taekwondo?

I haven't worked out in a while.
Let's just spar lightly.
Oops. I'm sorry.

You know you have been training in Taekwondo too long when you...

Say to the salesman in a clothing store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."
Say "I'm sorry" and then involuntarily bow.
Go to the shoe store to try on shoes and, instead of walking around the store, you practice pivots, sweeps, stances, and kicks.
Side kick a malfunctioning cold drink machine.
Ensure the left side of your bathrobe folds over the right side and the belt is in a square knot.
Use kicks to turn light switches on and off.
Cannot walk by anyone from your school without casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks.
Leap to your feet and kick while watching "Kung Fu," "Walker, Texas Ranger," and "Highlander" at home.
Find yourself practicing staff techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
Try to back fist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it.
Never stand with your arms crossed or with your hands in your pockets.
Keep at least one martial arts weapon by your bed when you sleep.
Have the urge to bow every time you enter or leave a room.
Accidentally call teachers "sabum."
Find yourself practicing stances while standing in line.
Have occasional delusions of sparring adequacy.

Students you may see in your Taekwondo class

Questioner, who is always asking "What if...?" when learning new techniques.
Slacker, who sucks the spirit out of a class.
Interpreter, who feels the need to explain the instructor's instructions to classmates.
Whacker, who feels the need to make drills more realistic by striking hard enough to cause bruises.
Ostrich, who seems to have head in the sand. Never seem to notice things that need to be done while class is cleaning the dojang.
Color Belt Assistant Instructor, who, after only short time in Taekwondo, feels the need to critique the techniques of fellow students.
Vince Lombardi Wannabe, who believes that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed creating confused and disgruntled students.
Whiner, who is always saying "but that huuuuurts!" "I need to sit this one out," and "that's too hard!" during partner drills and sparring.
Tough Man/Woman, who can take ANY technique and "tough it out." According to this student, pressure points and locks do not work because he or she can take the pain.
Cross-trainer, who says "that's not the way we did it in my last school" or "my last instructor said that was a stupid way to block."
Primal Male, who feels women simply cannot do techniques that would be effective against a man because they are smaller, weaker, etc...
Mouth, who continues talking, even while instructor telling him or her to be quiet.
Clueless, who is constantly doing everything wrong.
Directionless, who does not know right from left.
Macho Newbie, who is big and strong, knows it, and is always using it.
Macho Old-Timer, who is big and strong and has been training a long time. Anyone who betters him or her in a drill will pay the consequences.
Closet Ninji, who wants constant reassurance of the deadliness of his/her techniques. Teacher's Pet, who wants to be the instructor's 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in a group.
Agreeable, who always agrees but seldom understands.
I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-Taekwondo, who thinks he or she's tough, but constantly complains anytime someone makes contact.
Glass Menagerie, who think that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling down, getting bruised, or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back, and typically ends up being one of the first to experience an injury.
Eclectic, who has done thirty other martial arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he or she can create an new martial art.
Zen, who has read every book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component."
Practical, the is opposite of Zen. Dismisses many "-do" martial art styles because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality" or are "just sports."
Ogler, who is busy ogling at the opposite sex (or same sex), instead of paying attention.
Drifter, who comes to class once every couple of months. Completely clueless about the material currently being studied but wants to be promoted.
Has Been, who used to practice years ago and has now returned. Thinks he or she knows as much as previous classmates that never stopped training and uses too much force in an effort to prove it.

Helpful Conversions

Two wharves = one paradoxHalf of a large intestine = one semicolon
100 grams of wet socks = one literhosen
Time between slipping on a peel and falling = one bananosecond

What do...

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? ... Dam!
What do you get from a pampered cow? ... Spoiled Milk
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?... Nacho Cheese
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?...Quattro sinko.